ow__youkilledmex3's Xanga

just thought that you should know that i'm in a good relationship now with someone who i just so happen to really like and now i realize that i can be happy without you. just thought that you should know that i don't need you anymore and that i'm over it. me writing this isn't me greiving and asking for attention. its me saying final goodbyes to what i once felt for you. i don't feel that anymore and i don't care if you don't care because fact is, one day you'll realize that what we could've had could've been beautiful but you messed it up. yeah you messed it up. this time it wasn't me. i'm not going to blame this on myself because i didn't do anything wrong. you'll realize one day that you made one of the biggest mistakes in your entire life doing what you did. meanwhile i'll be perfectly fine, living my happy life, and i probably won't even remember your name anymore. the fact that you did what you did doesn't hurt anymore and i just thought that you should know this. the only thing that really sucks about this is that you ruined a couple of my favorite songs temporarily. because one day i'll be able to listen to them and enjoy the song instead of being disgusted by thoughts of you.

that's about it.

i get cheated on because i don't do enough to keep my boyfriends. GASP its a break through! shouldn't i have figured this out sooner? oh well. i don't care. now i know. but now i really don't want a relationship. or do i? i don't know. maybe i do. i think i'm looking in all the wrong places. i think i'm looking for all the wrong reasons. i think i'm looking for love, not a relationship. which isn't good, according to stephanie (evil hippie therapist that likes rainbows).  so i should look for a suttle relationship with a guy that i'm not trying to fall in love with.. yet. i should grow a relationship.. i mean BUILD a relationship and i should do stuff. more stuff. like call him more and stuff.. damn i hate the phone. ugh stupid phone. why must it be such an important part of a relationship? late night phone calls? pssh. or wait.. is that supposed to be cute? romantic? screw it. i need soda but i gave up soda. i should go take some sleeping pills. i think they'd make me relax and stop over thinking everything. like now.

which kinda creeps me out because all along i thought no one did so i've been writing stuff that i really wish other people wouldn't read but oh well, i can't do anything about it now.

so far today, dentist appointment. then came home, found out grandmother has cancer. what a pleasant day.

umm.. my birthday was pretty awesome. it was on the 31st if any of you didn't know.

i'm for sure no longer moving. bleh.

that's about it.

it makes you depressed. yup. but guess what. i haven't really cried in almost 2 months. yayyyyyyyyy. i think i've gotten back to my numb spot where i just don't care anymore, and you know what? i used to always want out of that position, but now i'm pretty happy that i'm like this again.

camp was awesome. SUPER cool concert. mosh pits and stuff. yeahhhh. um.. counselling, ugh. then i got back today and had to go to counselling AGAIN and i have to make more confessions to people but no one IMed me so i'm not doing it. well, at least the people that i'm supposed to talk to haven't. well they did earlier but i didn't know what i was supposed to tell them earlier.. anyways!

mmk thanks bye.

PS. birthday is in two days.

and then all the girls can turn lesbian and the guys can't watch them make out because they will all be dead. i'm going to chop their balls off and feed them to the sharks.

Sometimes there are those people in life that you come across or you don't even know, you just hear about them, and even if they aren't the best looking person in the world or they might not have the best life, but sometimes you still want to be them because they have something that you want more than anything else. But it has to be something thats really important for you and that you'd be willing to give up everything else in your life for, and when you are willing to do that, I just don't see how its not obvious to everyone. I mean, when you're so passionate about a subject and you feel that desire so deeply, isn't it visible? Or are some people just REALLY good actors/actresses? But then sometimes, its not even like it matters, because the thing that you want so badly doesn't want you back or maybe you just could never have it and then you most likely will go through a terrible stage of depression with the whole suicidal thoughts/attempts and therapy sessions and antisocial tendencies and so forth but you know what? I have hope that one day, people that feel this way, will just be happy with their lives. Until then, that pain sucks really badly.

are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing? and is your voice caught within your chest?
it isn`t love, its like.

you can`t keep your eyes or hands off them?
it isn`t love, it`s lust.

are you proud and eager to show them off?
it isn`t love, its luck.

do you want them because you know they`re there?
it isn`t love, its loneliness.

are you there just 'cause its what everyone wants?
it isn`t love, its loyalty.

Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don`t wanna hurt them?
it isn`t love, its pity.

are you willing to give all of your favorite things for their sake?
it isn`t love, its charity.

are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?
it isn`t love, its lack of confidence.

do you pardon their faults because you care about them?
it isn`t love, its friendship.

do you tell them everyday they are the only one you think of?
it isn`t love, its a lie.

But do you accept there faults because they`re a part of who you are? Do you see their true heart, and do they touch your soul so deeply it hurts? Are you attracted to others, but stay with them faithfully without regret? Would you give them your heart, your life, your death and stay because a blinding incomprehensible mix of pain and elation pulls you close and holds you? now thats love.